1st when I was still in school. I think the relationship lasted for 2 years and 3 months (i think). I was still immature at that time so I remember that maybe the break up was a result of constant petty fights and arguments. I blame immaturity for this. But I’m thankful that it was over because the guy was what you would term as a typical “chickboy”. It took a long time for me to recover that relationship. I almost believed the saying that goes “First love never dies” for no one came along after. It was also so hard for me to recover from the break up because I had no one else to share it with. During those days, I’d keep everything to myself since I’m not really good at interacting with people. I’m the type of person who’s used to deal with my problems on my own. In order to deal with the heartache, I literally erased any memory I had with my ex. Although the result was fast, I found negative effects afterwards. Soon, I was having memory problems. Because I closed my mind from remembering those times, I lost part of my memory when I was at that stage of my life.

It took 7 years before I got into another relationship. At first, I really thought I’m ugly or that I’m too strict or my clothes doesn’t fit me (“baduy”) coz no one ever asked me out. This was also the bad thing coz instead of recovering fast by finding a fallback person or searching for love, love failed to find me at that time.

Then I met this other person. I wouldn’t really say that we were in a relationship. It was more of a one-sided thin. I was actually a third party. This was even harder since there were times where it seems like I was courting the guy instead of the other way around. But I only fooled myself thinking that there was really something. At first, I honestly thought there was something special between us. But when the person went to a certain place to work for 3 months, I got dumped. It’s like him telling me before he left not to wait for him. He was telling me this and I had no idea that he could have planned for this all along. And to think he was regretting that I was not going with him. He met someone else on that work-related trip.

Angry and hurt, I seeked for vengeance by telling his ex that we were together when they were still a couple. The ex told his mom and the mom, i think, asked/confronted/scolded him (i guess) This got the person fuming mad and he sent me text messages saying that I’m disgusting and all those ugly words one can think of. So I asked him if he could already relate to my pain. This was the last time we exchanged words.

I was happy that I healed sooner that I expected. I was no longer angry nor bitter. I seeked refuge through those trying times listening to Christian Songs. This was also one reason why I’d prefer to listen to Christian songs rather than listening to “normal” music. I believe that by listening to these songs, I’m getting closer to God (coz I’m not really a religious person).

I sent the person an email telling him that I forgive him and that I am sorry for what I did. I also mentioned that I am not expecting anything in return nor that he reply to the message. What I wanted to convey was that I’m okay now and that I understand things better. He never replied to the message. We haven’t spoken to each other since. When we accidentally meet, we don’t utter a word. I don’t mind being in a room with him. Its just awkward not speaking to each other, though so I also try to avoid him. I guess time will only tell when everthing will be ok. I just miss (not miss him in a loving way) but more on missing a friend. I considered him as my bestfriend. I could say we knew each other inside out even before we got serious.

With my heart broken twice, I’d say I’ve had enough. I’m in no hurry to find love or for it to find me. I am even content now at thinking of the possibility that I may grow old alone, with no one. A spinster in the making. hahaha. I don’t mind. I know I can take care of myself. I know I have friends whom I can rely on. Although its Valentines Day today, I’m not in any way worried nor paranoid that I have no one to share the day with. I guess it will be like this again for a very long time.

Has my heart grown bitter because of the experiences I’ve had? I don’t know. I think it has. But I won’t end it here. I am still hoping though.

Related posts:

1. The Heart Of Worship