i think i’m a total failure. yeah, i really think so. although i never got married at a young age and i didn’t bore any child at a young age too unlike most of my relatives did or that i never used drugs or had any vices, nor did i ever act like some slut, i still think i’m a failure. factor contributing to that is that right now, i’m still unmarried, without any relationships and worse of all, living under my parents crib. i even think i’m never gonna marry. i am now into the verge of being depressed about the whole idea of being alone. but that’s another story to tell. let’s focus on failure for now. i think that my financial dilemma lead me to this whole business about failure. yeah, i guess you may have grown tired of my tirades about my financial problems but i never asked you to read me in the first place. so quit scratching your head and stop reading if you’re tired of this crap. coz honestly, i am too. going back to the failure part…i think i am. i have never accomplished anything in my life. except for graduating on time, and passing some stupid board exams, i still haven’t done any major thing. i have been working close to 10 years already and i have never even shown any investments or properties. when my dad asked me what things i was able to put up with all the money i have earned all this years, my reply were having a computer, the dvd player, my bed, my cabinet. but none of those mattered to him. he said that back when he and my mom were starting to have a family, when he was a fresh graduate, they were able to buy 2 trikes and they were able to put up a bakeshop thanks to my mom’s perseverance and good business skills. they would have never bought a house for us had they not struggled harder to make our lives better. with this in mind, i thought that maybe, if they only allowed us to taste how difficult life can be, we could have struggled harder too or we could have seen the value of money. i wish they were too strict on us and demanded we save our money for the rainy days. actually, they never lacked the part in reminding us what we need to do with our lives. they just didn’t enforce stricter rules for us. so all the advices were not heard and were just taken for granted. and now, this is where i am, feeling a complete failure. i know i will recover from my debts, maybe after 3-4 years but that’s really a long long way to go. i don’t want to feel a failure for the next 4 years. who would want that? i would rather slash my wrist than feel miserable for the next 4 years. i always wanted the easy way out, still wanting it now. but i really don’t have any idea what to do. my health is also catching up on me. not that i’m old but i’m getting there. i’m beginning to see the after effects of abusing my body when i was still young. maybe it’s all in the mind. who knows, but i can’t stop feeling that i’m a total failure. and the worse part is i am hoping that i will be rescued like a damsel in distress by someone. like i am relying or waiting for someone to help me when the reality is that there is no someone. this even makes me more miserable.

P.S. when i’m depressed, i think like this. i just hope this feeling passes by or my depression moves along so that i won’t think much about negativity. *sigh*

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