Gloomy Christmas
a colleague mentioned a few days before Christmas that she feels gloomy when Christmas comes. I totally understand her. I feel the same way every time my birthday is up. and yes, i totally understand how she’d feel gloomy every Christmas since I also feel the same way. i mean, i think its about containing the feeling or spirit of Christmas that makes me sad. ever year, its the same thing…we prepare for the yearly xmas eve food and after we eat, each of us go to our own rooms and sleep. having this routine makes me sad. i dunno. maybe its just me. i wish we could bond like the rest of those i see in the movies. i know reality bites…big time.
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so right now, i’m ranting. there’s a lot going on inside me right now. part of it is my laziness to work the stuff i’m supposed to work on. i can’t keep my focus set on my goals and i hate that. i dunno what i should do to keep the fire burning. i just hate it.
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right now i’m sick to my stomach about having to eat all the time. i know that i shouldn’t be thinking about this since a lot of people in other parts of the world are dying because they have nothing to eat at all. but i just simply hate the fact that we’re programmed to eat like the rest of those people out there. otherwise, we’d hurt our mom’s feelings. and instead of sticking to a diet, we also can’t help but eat those delicious food served in the table. i just hate it! right now, i’m supposed to be watching what i eat since i might triple my weight before the year ends. this has been an ongoing battle for me. i just hope that a simple acupuncture or a gastric bypass or something else will fix this problem. but i know better and i hate it.
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friends come and go. i know that. i’ve had a few who came and left. one of them is about to leave too. actually 2. i just hate the fact that i feel like i’m some sort of a stop over point for these people before they carry on with their lives. i mean, should i then stop befriending people so that i won’t have to experience stuff like this. well, honestly, i also don’t have any clue what i’m supposed to feel. but i just hate the fact that they come and go. well, i guess i’m partly to blame. coz instead of keeping the friendship alive even though it’s a long distance relationship, i chose to detach myself from them. reason for being is that i feel that we don’t have anything in common after they leave and i don’t want to bother them with their new found freedom and life. which is why i try to stay under the radar. i am not a talker. so i think that when they detach themselves to me, i’d find less topics to discuss with them. i could not control the dead air on conversations. am i making sense? i am still to find a friend whom i can consider my soul mate. my sister isn’t much of a help since she has her own world and own life to mend. i just wish i’d find mine soon.
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which leaves me to this realization. i guess i’m really a loner. i really don’t want to bother people and start depending on them. coz when that happens, i’m going to depend a lot on them. and that’s what i don’t like. coz i’ll lose my sense of individuality, having to depend on them all the time. i’d rather work and live on my own. i know that no man is an island. but i am going to make an exception out of that. with this realization, i guess i’d expect no one at my funeral when i die. i have already accepted this fact. but it’s just so sad to think about reality. i know that the friends i have collected might not bother sending me off on my last days here on earth. i know they’d probably find excuses just to avoid that event. i know them too well too. i’m not going to hold a grudge on them. as i’ve said, i’ve accepted that fact.
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maybe this gloomy feeling i have inside is due to my financial problems. let me correct that. i know that this gloomy feeling inside can be blamed on my financial problems. i know i am smart but i was so stupid and dumb to have allowed this demise to happen to me. i know i couldn’t turn back time. i may probably recover after 2 to 3 years. i know that money really matters. although it can’t buy happiness on a long term basis, i know it can pay for the company of good old friends. friends who also have nothing. i just wish this crisis in my life is over so that i can get back to where i left off. if you don’t understand what i’m saying, then let me explain further. since i have no money, i can’t go out with friends as this would only mean spending for dinner, lunch, fares and stuff. if i have money, then perhaps i can invite my best friend to get together and catch up on things. or perhaps call a friend and invite them for a cake spree at my favorite cake house. get my point? i just hate being crippled by this crisis.
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i know i shouldn’t feel all of these things. but i can’t help it. i just wish i’d feel better when the new year approaches. i should bring in all the positive forces within me to make sure i attain my goals. maybe change my outlook in life. i was really hoping for an easy life but i learned long ago that it’s not going to be this easy. i just wish i could still keep my sanity intact. i know that it’s going to be a struggle on my part to change my worrying attitude to that of a care-free individual. i wish i can gather all the positive forces in nature to help me change my perspective and outlook in life – from feeling nega all the time to thinking and feeling positive.
i need all the help i can get so if you have any suggestions, i’m more than welcome to listen and give time to it.
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