concealing is the hardest part. concealing feelings, concealing thoughts. i can’t even share these thoughts with anyone. well i have done so. one. but i was advised to conceal it too. said it wouldn’t look good. said it wouldn’t be proper. said that i should not encourage these types of feelings. i wonder what if i defy everyone. what if. what if. it’s gonna be a risk i’d take if i choose to follow my mind and heart. not to mention the impact and gravity of it all.
killing these feelings would also mean killing my senses. well in that case, i’d say i’m better off being numb. numb to all senses because i had to conceal. till someone else worthy comes along, i’ll have to keep these feelings on my own. i’m starting to even forget what it is. i guess i’m succeeding. i hope so.
till then, i’ll keep concealing. concealing and forgetting…
i told someone i’m going away to never never land and this person asked if she could tag along. my initial reaction and standing reaction even up to now is “haler!” “are you thinking straight?” with your personality and attitude, i’m not willing to baby sit you at all. you promised that you’d behave. but we all know that promises are meant to be broken. you promised you’d behave. yeah right! your personality is too complex for me to bear. taking care of two extremely different personalities when i go to never never land isn’t what i have in mind. i told you that i couldn’t take care of 2 babies, both with special abilities. i hope you won’t take seriously the decline. and i hope that will give you thoughts to ponder too. you need to grow up and stop being a brat. start thinking maturely and then i’ll treat you equally. haaay. headaches are getting frequent these days. tsk tsk tsk
someone just told me now to do away with negative feelings, insights and a lot of stuff as it will only attract negative vibes and may drive away the positive ones. never thought of that till now.
i even mentioned that if i will do away with all that is nega, it seems that i will be lying to myself and i won’t be able to speak my mind freely and will be deceiving others in the process. im thinking that this step will take a great deal of effort from me.
as we are chatting now, i am beginning to think that i may have to change everything in order to accomplish this. i have always been the nega kind. but she really made me rethink everything. i know its not gonna be easy for me as this means i’ll have to overhaul my personality, however, im not closing my mind to it. i just know its gonna be difficult. i hope i can survive this.
thanks to the reality check, image consultant. ;o)
it’s been over a month now and every time i keep coming back this site, i either post sad and pathetic rants about myself. this time i am at my absolute lowest. is there such a term? i am a complete failure. i am totally depressed, not only emotionally, but also physically and financially. i wanted to cry. i am crying. i can’t take this anymore. a friend mentioned to find support groups for my case. but where do i find one? and if i do find one, the question is whether i’m willing to join them. i really don’t know what’s wrong with me. i guess i hit rock bottom this time. i no longer know what to do. i am totally lost. i don’t even want to call out to him because i am not too sure if he will answer my prayers. i’ve been given a lot of opportunities but i let him down. i continuously fail him and fail myself. i guess jumping off a cliff will solve my troubles. i wish i can find the courage to do just that. when will this ever stop. it really hurts so bad yet i still haven’t learned my lesson. maybe by disappearing i’d be able to get my life back. i am uncontrollable. how i wish i can wear a placard signaling everyone to back off and leave me alone. i wish i can just do that. how i wish disappearing from everyone is as easy as clicking my fingers. i kept ranting on how i wish to quit but i don’t have the balls to do so. why can’t they leave me be? why do i need to conform to everyone’s expectations? i have my own life to own too. y can’t you give me my freedom? y can’t i muster all the courage to do what i wanted to do without having to explain to anyone. i hate my life right now. i so hate it!
That’s the calories I burned earlier today when I “treaded” the mill. I made this agreement with my colleague to shed off some pounds effective March 1st. His goal was for his upcoming wedding this December. Mine was to stay within my ideal weight before I turn 30. More or less, I have 7 months to accomplish this feat. So far, I have already jogged 6 times this month. I guess that means I’m right on track. I have yet to buy a weighing scale to keep track of my weight. I just wish that this would last till October and that I would find reason to keep on burning those stored fats. I have 35 lbs to shed off within 7 months. So I guess the goal is to loose at least 5lbs a month. Well, let’s see if I can sustain this. Might log everything here to check on my progress. Oh, by the way, bought a new sneakers for the work out too. Right now I’m sticking to using the treadmill and then trying to eat 2 meals in a day. I hope this diet works for me. Otherwise, I might end up going back to trying the GM diet for a week in order to hasten the burning of the fats stored. Haaay. I’m getting tired already. LOL
i am in deep shit right now. not that i killed someone or anyone ok or not because i am broke but because i no longer have the drive to write here anymore. i have not been taking care of this site and the other one for almost 3 months now and i hate it. [...]
more than ever, i would rather live on my own. i couldn’t wait to get out of our house and live by my own. as each days pass, i can no longer stand our home. i want to live a life where i don’t depend on others or where i am expected to do this [...]
i guess its safe to say that i’m such a moron and unprofessional. i can’t finish this task that i’m working on ever since my mom got sick and even though she’s fine now, i still can’t find the time to face what i have to face and work on what i have to work. [...]
